Wednesday, December 31, 2008

From Grandma Betty

Better Lovers -

It's been a lot of fun being part of the Better Lovers Book Club. It was a great honor to be chosen as Better Lover of the Month of December!!! Courtney topped it off with Better Lovers shirts for me and my husband as Christmas presents. Obama is definitely number one and we pray for him every day. My Obama library is growing - I got three new books for Christmas!!!

Affectionately,
Your Better Lover, Betty

Monday, December 29, 2008

What if...

What if instead of singing it "I'm bringing Sexy Back," we sang

"I'm bringing HandySnacks!"

and brought Rachel into the BLBC? She keeps saying that she's going to come and then she never does. How can we unite to bring Handysnacks?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Some BL pictures I think should be here



There are some hardcore BLers. Special kudos to those who journeyed from afar.

Monday, December 22, 2008

SNOW!!!

Well as excited as I am about the snow, I am a bit snowed in.... This may affect my presence at the boozy brunch tomorrow....

Saturday, December 20, 2008

New Favorite Blog

Fuck You, Penguin.

A blog where cute animals are told what's what.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

No one has posted in a week!

Sometimes, school is snowed out. And I can't sleep well because I drank too much the previous night. And I have already run my errands like getting the flu shot and dropping off library books and spreading vicious lies about Ghetto Pig.

So what do I do for the rest of the day?

I search for pets. It is here, at Petfinder.org, where I found a Chihuahua/Pomeranian mix named Barack Obama. Wait, wait, wait: BaDOG Obama. Hahahaha. Funny! I am so very funny!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Monday, December 8, 2008

Book Clubs are Awesome!

And they don't even mention the fun you can have at DRUNK book club, or when your book club WINS a major relay race.

JOIN A BOOK CLUB!

"An upswing in the number of book groups has apparently necessitated the need for something called a "professional book-group facilitator" who charges $250 to $300 per member for her mediating services. People quoted in the piece complain about narcissists who hog the floor, competitive refreshments, bans on political talk, oversharers and domineering 'ayatollahs.' "

I think any one of us is qualified for this job. Now how do I go about getting it?

I finished school today.

I keep wanting to say I graduated today, but I don't know if that is true? When is the actual moment you graduate? Is it when you turn in your exam? When you get your grades? When your diploma arrives in the mail? I know it isn't when you walk, because tons of people don't walk when they graduate. Anyhoo, this is really bothering me, because I think it might have been when I turned in my test, and if that's the case I wasn't even thinking about it and I totally missed the moment, and it will never come again...

All to say, I would like to have toast to graduation (all peoples, future and pasts) at the next BL meeting.

Maybe we can all wear hats and throw them in the air? Or we can wear robes, or snuggies!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Friday, December 5, 2008

A hippie, and the visions of me that danced in her head (a Better Lover's Bedtime Christmas story)

Item #1: Yeah for Gay Rights. Excellent find Lynn, good performance Jesus, etc.

Item #2: I thought a woman was hitting on me, and almost had a gay situation to diffuse. It went as follows -

A woman I've known for four years - I used to work with her - is of the hippie kind. She is rather flow-y, talks so even keeled you just want to hit her, and she refers to the spirit world quite often. She also went to dog-whisperer therapy and is in tune with her "water" and "fire" selves. I ran into her yesterday, and took a few deep breaths to prepare myself for the encounter - I should have taken a few more.

Jamie gave me a hug, and we said the standardized, "Hello's, and How Are Yous." This conversation moved away from the standard when she said, "I've been thinking about you for like a year and a half! I read your Guatemala blog, but then you just dropped off the face of the planet, and I just keep thinking about you. I can't seem to get you off my radar. Do you mind if I walk you to your car, I have something personal to ask you." Not wanting to be on her radar (for a year and a half!) and slightly worried, I nodded.

Once outside, our conversation became one that earned Better Lover exposure.

"Courtney, I don't know what your sexual preference is - whether you prefer men or women, but, like I said, I've just had you on my radar. I realize this is very personal, and this conversation isn't like one I've ever had, but I'm just wondering . . . " She looked at me expectantly, but I just stared at her, attempting to exude heterosexuality.

"Well, Courtney, there's this person. I just want to tell you a little bit about the situation. I've known this person for a year and a half, and for some reason, every time I see this person, you are standing right there! I see you, clear as day, in my mind, standing next to this person as I talk to them. Always, you have always been there. I didn't know why it was, until three weeks ago, my vision of you, standing there, was so strong - I thought maybe it was a sign. Now, I'm not a matchmaker, and I've never had this happen before, but I see you so strongly with this person. Are you involved with anyone?" I shake my head thinking, Damn! Why is there no one with me to hear this conversation?

Her face lights up and she says, "And . . . "
"And I prefer men." I happily declare, thinking this would squash the conversation.
"Excellent! Well, this person is a man." Damn hippies that are so sensitive to gender issues they say this person and partner for everyone. I kind of hoped it had been a girl - an easily diverted blind date. "And three weeks ago, when I saw you so clearly, I decided to tell him. I asked him about his relationship status, and he said that he was in fact looking for someone to walk his life path with." Note to self: Don't date someone who uses the term "life path."

"He travels. Actually, I didn't know where he had gone. He was gone for like 6 months, and when I saw him again, turns out he had traveled that whole time! And he works at a day care, and his name is Ryan. So, I told him about how for some reason, you came into my mind every time I spoke with him. His face just lit up! He seemed interested and enthusiastic. I told him I didn't know when you would be popping into my life again, but here you are today and looking beautiful! That's one of the reasons why I think I see you with him. He has dark hair and dark eyes, it's like you guys are from the same tribe."
Damn it!! Seriously, how is there no one around to hear this?!!

"He told me that he would be very happy to meet you if you wanted to initiate anything."

I break my silence by asking, "How do you know this guy again?"

"Oh, he's a cashier at the Co-Op."

"That's how you met him, or when you talked to him?"

"Both. I only know him as a cashier at the Co-Op, I see him when I get my groceries. Do you have free time right now? He works today, you could swing through his line . . . . you'll know him because his name-tag says Ryan, and remember to look for a very handsome man with your same tribal features."

Cunte reaction: You told a cashier, about visions you've been having of him and another girl? Was there anyone in line behind you?

Crumbcake reaction: You are SO WEIRD!!

Corpsey Reaction: Well, you are weirdly in tune with the spirit world, what if he is my future husband?

Richard Simmons reaction: Hmmm, I wonder if he is "very handsome," that couldn't be a bad thing. Maybe . . .

Courhouse reaction: However, if we're from the same tribe, that would be incest.

Cross Fire reaction: Oh, my friends are gonna love this story.

Crotch Potato reaction: Regardless of your weirdness, my curiosity has officially been piqued. I need friends to bombard the Co-Op for Covert Operation: Find Courtney's Tribal Mate.

Courtney Reaction: "Huh, well, that's very interesting. I'm off to a final right now, but I'll definitely keep you posted should anything come up. I've got your email."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Support

I am going to join a support group for Pet Owners of Amputees because Ricky the Cat had his tail amputated yesterday.

And I think you should all support me as well.

You can support me financially or with in-kind donations of jewelry or electronics. Ricky and I would just appreciate anything at this point.

Hooray!

Better Lovers I will see you in a short time!! I have the book!! I am excited!! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Second of all, good call on the BL of the Month.

Obama! Cunte's-grandma! Obama! Cunte's-grandma!

They sound the same.

First of all, I have a little cold.

Achoo!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Shaken, not stirred

Go see Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond movie.

IT IS ABOUT GEOLOGY!

I love when James Bond movies are about geology.

Friday, November 28, 2008

One reason; never to work at Wal-Mart, to hate Black Friday, to be disgusted with discount shopping fanatics

Surging shoppers kill New York Wal-Mart worker

NEW YORK — A man working for Wal-Mart was killed on Friday when a throng of shoppers surged into a Long Island, New York, store and physically broke down the doors, a police spokesman said.

The 34-year-old man was at the entrance of the Valley Stream Walmart store just after it opened at 5 a.m. local time and was knocked to the ground, and stampeded, the police report said.

Four shoppers, including a 28-year-old pregnant woman, were also taken to local hospitals for injuries sustained in the incident, police said.

Wal-Mart said it was saddened by the death of the man, who was working for a temporary employment agency serving the discount retailer, and by the injuries suffered by shoppers.

"The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority," the world's largest retailer said in a statement. It said the incident was still under investigation and referred any other inquiries to local police.

The Friday after America's Thanksgiving holiday is known a Black Friday and marks what is traditionally the busiest retail day of the year, kicking off the Christmas shopping season.

U.S. stores across the country opened in the early hours of Friday to offer discounts to consumers hit by a contracting economy. Hundreds of shoppers waited on line before dawn at some locations to secure deals on holiday gifts.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I have declared myself Queen of Labels.

That means I am in charge of labeling all things.

Jodi is the Queen of Wordplay & Lumber.

Declare yourselves Queens of something. Labels, wordplay, and lumber are taken.

Obama's behind the scenes (wo)man

Better Lovers,

I present to you my tenacious, vivacious Grandma Betty. Every night, leading up to the election, she would watch CNN and pray for an Obama victory. At mention of Palin, she prayed even harder! Sometimes, she would confess to staying up an extra hour at night, losing sleep to pray diligently on her Rosary.

She continually said, regardless of who became president, she would still say the rosary to keep him alive. If McCain had won, she would have prayed extra hard to keep his cancer and oldness at bay because "that Palin. Oh! That Sarah Palin! Can you imagine if she became president?"

She cried the night of the election, and contentedly sighed during McCain's concession speech (her first break, not having to pray againt Palin). She enthusiastically toasted with Sparkling Cider and gave hugs that cut off circulation. Her work praying for a victory was done, but she quickly shifted gears, praying that the new President Elect be kept safe, her rusty-trusty ol' Rosary at her side.


Don't worry Obama. A little, Rosary-wielding, white-haired, Italian, Catholic, mother-of-ten from Bellevue has got your back.

Monday, November 17, 2008

JACKPOT !

Inspiration for new Better Lovers gear ?

These are my Confessions




Just when I thought I said all I could say,

I admit now that is is cold, windy, and rainy all I want to do is consume Pho for my daily nutrients.






I'm so throwed and I don't know what to do, but to give you part 2 of my confessions;

Now that I have been on one date, I have taken voluntary leave from The View.


Friday, November 14, 2008

All the cool kids are doing economics homework on Friday evenings.

I would like to officially nominate Ghetto Pig as the best blogger.

She doesn't blog often, but when she does...AWESOME!

It also helps that she frequently posts pictures of different themed pigs. 

Take note other bloggers who wish to have my undying affection.

This is the second picture that came up when I google imaged 'blogging pig'. This is also why Ghetto Pig is a better blogger than I am:


Thursday, November 13, 2008

You have a decision to make.

So. The 23rd. Readers Make Better Boozing Brunchers.

11:00 AM in B'ham at Ghetto Pig's
OR
11:00 AM in Seattle at The KJW Triplex

Your preference, please.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Brilliant Book Club Idea

Idea 1: At our BL meeting (whenever the h that will be), let's have a white elephant book exchange. One or more of you rich and generous dolls would be thoughtful to contribute The Guide to Getting It On. It's gotten me through some rough times. ::wink to Ren::

Otherwise, just wrap up a raunchy sounding used book (complete with stains) and put it under our tree. Or non-tree. Cadav.

Idea 2: Let's dress up as something silly. Jodi and Lynn were thinking book characters. I was thinking nude trapeze artists. Cadav, again.

The Situation

Good News: You know how Lindsay is a lot like Bing Crosby? And Bing Crosby sings "I'll Be Home For Christmas"? Well, Lindsay will be home for Christmas! What are the crosby f'ing odds?

Bad News: She's arriving late late (10:15) on the 22nd. This makes our book club tough. I was thinking about doing a Better Lovers pick-up and then having book club at my house in Seattle, but my roomie has to work early the next morning, and we are incapable of quietness. Sooo, no Seattle. At least not West Seattle.

Other options:
1. Having book club late on the 22nd in B'ham and hoping we are not passed out by the time she gets there (midnightish).
2. Having book club earlier sans Lindsay. (She's here the 22nd to the 30th.)
3. Having book club after Christmas sans me. (I leave on the 26th.)
4. Having two book clubs, one without Lindsay and one without me.
5. Renting/boozing up a room in a Seatac airport and hoping we don't get kicked out.
6. Kicking Jodi in the shin.
7. Getting Jodi's new dog all riled up.
8. Asking Jodi about her date. How was your date, Jodi?

I know a lot of things, BLs, but I don't know what to do here.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Text to life connection

This is so sad:


But can't you just imagine Dr. Paul Farmer swooping in wearing a superhero cape and rescuing the trapped children?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Take five minutes.



(This has nothing to do with literacy.)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

You can read however you like.

In other news (that is about as important as our nation's next president), ballots are in and our next book club meeting is...

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21ST! We can start early for you weirdos who need to work the next morn'.

You can vote however you like

Laugh and kill time as we wait to hear good things about our love, hope, and inspiration.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

In celebration of this momentous day: watch this.

Monday, November 3, 2008

BL of the Month...barely

I am quite shocked...shocked and appalled. Here I was last night, writing out my BL of the Month acceptance blog when my internet had a glitch and I had to reopen the blog mid-composition, only to find that Cunte had posted a blog requesting some hairy loon with a bad attitude should take my spot and that my giant pencil (a gift from Corpse herself) makes no difference. I then deleted my most amazing blog post ever (it was very funny and genius and made you cry and laugh with joy, and worthy of a BL of the year award).

But I have come back to post again tonight, in a very humbled spirit, recognizing just how special it is to be BL of the month because the competition is fierce, and it is a title only few can claim.

Riff-Rafferty

Sorry for monopolizing the last three posts. I couldn't help it. Get over it.

One day to go - the BIGGEST election ever!! Who's freaked out? I am. But here is a way you can make a difference in the next 24 hours. Schlep on over to Florida and convince your Jewish grandparents to do the right thing by voting left. That's right BLs, get your Jewish relatives on board. Here's how . . .

The Great Schlep

I went to a rally today on campus put on by Patty Murray (what a small lady!) and Christine Gregoire (who reminded me of a Santa elf and was AWESOME! all the same), and they said, "Don't have any regrets!! Don't wake up on Wednesday the 5th and wish you had done something more to help your party. Don't wake up wishing you had made that extra phone call, rang that extra door bell, schlepped that extra schlep."

Sunday, November 2, 2008

On the Campaign Trail

Indy here, would like to challenge NicUNCOOL as BL of the Christmas month.
What does he have to offer, you ask?
-Chest hair, massive amounts (not glued on with rubber cement), enough to share
-A Whip
-Willingness to make out with unfortunate, manly women
-Has good sex/singing-really-high-pitched face

On behalf of drunk women everywhere who've made out with asshole fighter pilots and hairy Harrison Ford wannabes, please consider my candidate.
As IndyCOOL says in The Last Crusade -
"[The world is] too small for two of us."

I am Cross Fire! and I approve this message.
P.S. - Congratulations Kris. I'm glad to know my gifted big pencil is helping you ace tests and BL elections. Woot woot.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Literary concepts and other BL matters

During my recovery from the West Seattle 5k Walk for Herpes, I was drinking sprite and watching these. At first I thought, Wow, School House Rock kicks these people's asses! And then I thought, Wow, I am wasting potentially productive time.

I share these with you because;
1 - they remind me of our BL Ski to Sea shirts
2 - there are teachers among you. Seriously Kelly, I would appreciate a report of your students' reactions.
3 - due to daylight savings you will not be wasting your life, merely filling in some of the extra time you've been granted.

Main Idea
Context Clues
Author's Purpose

Hoping you don't have alcohol seeping through your pores, as I do,
Cross Fire! - I also would like to note that I did Richard proud by making out with two guys in one night. It was the gay in him that pushed me to such madness.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Open letter

Dear Friend,

Today, I will call you "Halloweenie."

Brilliantly,
KJW

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Important announcement


I would like to officially declare my candidacy for BL of the Month: December.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Commas help clarify.

Earlier, I exclaimed, "Trickle down, my ass!" And then I thought about the importance of punctuation. I could have said, "Trickle down my ass!"

Spend fifteen minutes thinking about how that comma changed a statement from "stuff oozing into my crack" into a statement about "silly economics."

Or the other way around.

You get it.

Text-to-life connection

OMGoodness. Raff. Our book contains a graphic novel about a MAGIC PENCIL. Ok, ok, it briefly mentions the magic pencil, and I wasn't a fan of the section, but still.

You love the giant (magic, probably) pencil, and the book talks about a magic (giant, probably) pencil.

Destiny.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

New Book

Today I went and searched the Bellingham Public Library for our new book. They don't have it yet (sadness). What they do have is a great collection of books available for those who search for titles that begin with 'Best American'. Here are some of them;

*Best new American Voices 2009
*Hana-Kimi: for you in full blossom
*Best American Gay Fiction
*The baby boomer's song book: 65 hit songs!
*The best American erotic poems : from 1800 to the present
*Don't fill up on the antipasto: Tony Danza's father-son cookbook : with memories of an Italian-American family and 50 of their best recipes
*The Best American crime reporting 2008
* Car Talk. Field Guide to the North American wacko!
* The Best of American Dream Homes (Kris, is your new home in here?)

Okay, as I kept scrolling down to find titles to add on here, I saw the book but they only have it in Lynden or Deming and neither of them are in ... damn Gina.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Giant Pencil

Hurrah for the BL Blog!!! And hurrah for Giant Pencils! Last week in the middle of my class I pulled out the GIANT PENCIL for taking notes! It was quite hilarious, and the professor warned me that "Just because I have a bigger pencil, it won't make me smarter" Whataver. I got one of the highest scores on our exam.

I am also taking a Greek Mythology class which is awesome. Did you guys know that Aphrodite was born not only from Zeus, but also from the genitals of Uranus after he was castrated and they were thrown into the ocean. Pretty useful information, and I think Greek mythology should definitely be considered for our book club.


And in other also importante news, Lawrence and I are purchasing a home. We close Nov. 21st. So I think a BL partay in Ferndale is definitely in store if you guys are up for it!

K-10 Riff-Raff

Thursday, October 23, 2008

BL of the Month!

Oh my land. I just noticed the BL of the month! I am so honored. Here is my speech:

"Holy mother of literacy and cobwebs! I am shocked, SHOCKED, to be earning this award. I want to thank God and Harry Potter and Don and the people who invented alcohol and words. Oh my, oh my, I want to eat a pie.

Thank you!"

More camping plans.

June is not pumpkin season. You know why this is a problem?

Because we NEED a chug-0-lantern.

E-Bot's facial expression shows agreement.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Now If They Only Made Pepper

I am in the land of despairity ... the land of no internet at home. Paradise City has not not had internet (yes I just used a double negative) for over two years. Too bad I'm a teacher that works on weekends and Comcast's stupid schedule of either 8-12 or 12-4 monday through saturday does not work for me. Boo you Comcast.

My HLP whom happens to be residing in Califorina right now sent me this wonderful like to this wonderful product Bacon Salt! Not only is this the best thing to happen to me in quite some time, I now have a favorite blog, sorry Nicole, Kelly, Lynn, Lindsey, and all of those other blog-tastic blogs, you have been beaten by BACON!

I was going to blog about my wonderful free interenet experience at Woods and all of the memories it has sparked in my brain, but instead I got utterly facinated with another great form of one of my favorite foods, bacon.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Better Campers '09

Leaf Peepers,

I am planning the camping trip. Already. So people can adjust their schedules for it. Sentence fragments, holla.

How does the last week of June sound?
How does a group site sound?
How does Eastern Washington (for camping, not living) sound?

Look how political I am! I asked you questions like you have input, but really, that's probably how the camping trip is going roll. Three or four nights near the end of June on the east side.

Look forward to swimming in deep water, finding new lunch meats in Jodi's hair, and roasty toasty 'mallows. Oh, and talking about books.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Yay BL Blog

I took up E-thomps' suggestion on reading banned books from that list she posted. I read A Day No Pigs Would Die, which was good, but sad because I had no BL's to discuss the book with. Sad. Go read it and tell me what you think, seriously it costs like $5 and took one day to read, plus as an added bonus, you will read all kinds of fun mid-western idioms like:

- Cleaner than a cat's tongue
- Eviler than sin on a Sunday morning
- More confusing than a pig in a poke

Lots more, I promise, I didn't even write down the funniest ones.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My Choice Healthy Snack

Lynn beat me too it, a blog about food. I bet she beat me to it because her arms are waaaaay longer than mine.

I know I have a bit of a sweat problem in this picture, but look at one-eyed Lynn, thats besides the fact though.


It is true that teachers learn from their students. I will openly admit that today, I learned something from one of my students and it was this; how irresitably delicious and healthy these are. They are the perfect after school snack for me as I relax after school and need something to hold me over until after my strenuous work-out and I can make myself something a tad bit more delish and of more substance or value. They are a wonderful replacement for my previous addiction to Powerthirst.

I'm hungry

Does anybody else absolutely love all the food scenes that seem to be so prevalent in young adult/children's lit books? They totally made me want to eat things that I would never have actually eaten, because I was a picky, picky child.

Books with the best "food porn" moments:
- Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder, or really, any book she wrote
- A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (even better than the food porn, is the clothes porn in this one)

Also, everyone needs to read all of these books, especially A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Phenom.



Thursday, October 9, 2008

Anderson, Katie, and Sarah

I have recently fallen in love with Anderson Cooper . Talk about sexy older man, how I would love to brush my hand through his sliver hair that sits attop his intellegent brain...

Anyhow, it was love at first sight when I saw Andy on funny lady Kathy Griffin's show 'My Life on the D List'. If you aren't in love with him yet now you will be . But really, I am more in love with Andy Coops after watching his coverage on the debates and the upcoming election. I especially love him for airing a highlight section on his show about Sarah Palin in which I found out about this. Make sure you have the volume up on your computer folks, its classy and I laughed my ass off.

Booyah I am the first one to swear on the BL blog.

Post #2 (chronologically), Post #1 (in quality)

"Kelly, what else do we need to complete these fish tacos?" my roommate Scotty Too Hotty asked me.

"Corona," I responded, matter-of-factly. [How the h is "factly" a word?]

"Yeah!" he squealed.

So I put on jeans (I was wearing only a tube top. The rest of me was naked) (psych, I was working work pants) and my Better Lovers hoodie.

This is where it gets good.

"Oh, Heavens!" I gasped to myself. "I live near my students now. Will they see me and read our clever slogan and spread rumors about their Humanities teacher's sluttiness?" What a conundrum. What a motherfucking, fatherblowing conundrum.

I decided to wear it anyway, and I saw a student, but he didn't see me.

The end.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

We have a blog.


So, Better Lovers, we have a blog.

Blog away.

Do your part to spread the message of love and literacy across this nation.

I, for one, have already started Better Lovers- Santa Barbara. We are reading Competitive Environmental Strategy by Andrew J. Hoffman.